The thing I dread most is loneliness.
It is quite certain that I would grow old without having my love one by my side. At this age and with no desire to get married, future decidedly gloom and unpretentiously lonesome.
Throw away that word of being pessimistic. I am just being truthful on what my heart tells me.
Being me who treasure the company of my love one surely could not fathom the thought of having to live my grey days alone. My grandma had died at the age of 109 and had suffered no major illnesses except a dementia associated with Alzheimer’s. She was this gracious old lady that still holds dear to my heart even though she had left for more than 20 years ago.
I do not wish to grow old that long and having forgotten who I was but I understood why Allah has created Alzheimer’s disease. To me, the God has given us a way to relieve the old patient from having to remember her past that brings nostalgic memories which could sear our hearts into pieces. It is best that these memories are deleted, silenced and forever forgotten.
When I am sixty or even seventy, perhaps with my current rigorous exercises and early consumption of health products could somehow elevate my being in the old day to be a healthy and productive old man. Despite this positive expectation, my fear of having to live alone without those I love is really freaks me out.
My heart and the emotional baggage that built within me are not prepared to be left alone especially when I am old, haggard and perhaps grumpy too.
I often imagined where will each of my friends will be when the final curtain is almost reaching the floor. We will have our separate life with our family, lovers or even….like a said, being alone without my special someone. If the God ever so generous by giving me material wealth, still asking myself, how would money could fill that emptiness for being alone.
How would my memories will be? Would they bring me fond and happy thoughts or simply haunting me with recurring images of those who have passed on and those I have lost contact?
The only hope that I have, perhaps I could get closer to God and be spared from being a senile old man.