There is not a single shred of hope that I would be impregnating any willing female, thus I bore no children forever. As my age is advancing at a bullet’s speed, I dread the day when I will have to live on my own without my dearest friends, no running grandchild and only left alone reminiscing a life time memories.
As the book of life has revealed itself again and again, there was no mortal ever conquered the world and will ever be.I do not know when is my turn to face that glaring white light or when the ripper would come and takes my soul away. If the God gives me some extension of life but taking those around me first…I think the looming loneliness is unbearably painful.
I had had many times awoke in the middle of night and disturbed by this uncanny feeling of extreme loneliness. It happened without any prior emotional distress and fully conscious of the surrounding but I could not helped myself feeling very lonely. Am I alone feeling like this? The feeling was like you just buried someone so close to your heart, it was a sinking and almost drowning of sort.
Then, you got yourself back into a dreamland and woke up later in the morning feeling casually normal as if that short interruption during sleeping has never occurred. Did we dream something really sad but we could not recall what it was or simply a divine intervention in telling you of your own future which is going to be such a lonely person?
Everyone can relate the sense of lost when your loved ones departed forever and to actually facing one after another in whole course of your life, while the God prolongs your mortality, He takes your friends and relatives away is so unimaginable. Given choices, I would rather die young.
People like me who would produce no offspring are especially vulnerable to be included into the circle of lonely bunch. The remaining life would be excruciatingly painful I guess and surely I could not predict the future but tell tales signs are quite obvious pointing that way.
When you are in your late sixties, most calls that you would receive in the middle of night, surely the unpleasant ones. And you would receive this sort of news almost constantly because most of your peers and friends are amongst the underlined, bold and on top of the list. The priorities of death are for those gray and old.
What can we do to ease this looming loneliness? The only answer could be seeking solace in the arms of God. Would He unfold and unclenched to embrace you is a question only best known to HIM.
Sinners like me…is there any hope for “reconciliation” at that advance of age?
Ponder I may, guidance I seek! Amin.